Fatal Attraction

Jason is home from AIT, we have 3 weeks to move to HAAF and I dont have a clue what I am doing, we have a cookout today for about 50 ppl and that is just stressin me out as well! But more than anything else is this...

I am a very sexual person. And, Jason always has been too... so what the hell happened?

First week home we should be all over each other, but the truth is its like he just doesnt want to. I have to force myself on him... and even then he finds a way to walk away... yes... we have had sex since he came home, but only once... and its not like hes coming home from war and just needs time to adjust.

So, now instead of being happy that he is home, I am resentful... and I dont know if its of him... or of me. And, its not like this is something that I can talk to him about.

Here I am trying my damndest to support him in something that I dont believe in at at... ugg... and leaving my friends and family to follow him to another state. Where I will be completely absorbed in this life 24/7 and I know that atleast until he is out I am going to loose myself... and with all of this... Im also not going to have a sex life?

I mean damn... did my fears come true and now that he got into shape Im not attractive to him anymore because Im not... maybe he jsut got so used to looking at girls of that body type? Its just sad that this should bother me so much, concidering that I know that we can make it without having sex at all, since weve done it this long, but I also believe that that physical side of things is also important to a marriage...

I jsut feel like maybe, even tho I love my hubby and I would never voice this outload, but what if I was wrong... maybe I just should have let Jason sit at home doing nothing for the rest of his life... atleast then I felt good about myself. I just dont know... this really blows.

Readjustment

I expected Jason to have a hard to adjuxting to being back home... but hes been here all weekend and it didnt take him long to fall back into his old ways... however;

his old ways are annoying the crap out of me!

In this short weekend Jason has managed not only to make  me feel like the most unattractive person in the world. But also like I dont know how to do my job as a parent.

"well I just dont understand how I left 5 months ago and now the kids think that they can do whatever, I mean look at my remote, the back is loose and there are teeth marks on it, and the games are all scratched up."
"Jason, theyre kids, shit like that happens."
"well not if you knew how to watch them."
"Well, maybe I was busy doing more important things with them that worrying about what they were doing with your Xbox!"

so you know what, at this point I am doing the best that I can managing 4 VERY active kids... and if that means that I let them play your game so that I can get my laundry and dishes done, or deal with Madis speach... then Im gonna do what I need to do.

Thanks baby for making me want to move away from my whole support system to be with you, when I dont feel like you see what I am sacrificing...

Everyone sees what Jason is doing as this HUGE thing... but it isn't like he is fighting in a war yet. Right now he is just going to school. And, yes that means being away from his kids and family, but not forever, and quite frankly that doesnt seem to bother him anymore... hes gotten used to it.

Bad thing is that I get to go and quietly cry to myself, as I contiue to do this everyday, because there is nothing that I can do about it. Marriage is for life and I love my husband so I will follow him like the bible says to, but in my heart I dont have like it.

I guess this is what it means to be in the silent ranks.

Being a married single parent

Sometimes it annoys me that everyone thinks that Jason's job is so much harder than mine. Yes he is in the Army, yes BCT sucked ass! But, now he is at AIT. From what I can tell, the only thing that Jason has a hard time doing at AIT is standing in formation for hours... other than that, he has class from 8-4ish.. and when he isn't in formation his time is his own. He's living in a dorm, hanging out with his buddies.

Dont get me wrong... Im not really mad about this, its still part of his training... and as such something he doesn't have a choice about, I am sure that he would rather be home with us.

In the mean time... I feel like it's Jason's job to be a soldier... and my job to be everything else.

I didnt get married to be single... and I am in everything, but my heart. I know that I am married, I know that Jason love me, and that I love him, but Im alone in everything I do.

I get up in the morning and get the kids off to school, I fix breakfast, I clean the house, I take the kids to the park, I pay the bill and deal with all the debt, I get the food, I lay the kids down for naps so that I can clean some more, I kiss booboos, I get the boys off the bus and help with homework, I make the after school snacks, I sit and play with the kids and read them stories and watch them play Xbox360, I cook dinner and hear about there days, I give them tubbies, I tuck them in, and I start cleaning again. I wait for hours for Jason to call whenever he can, even when I am exhausted or sick... even for those calls that last 2 mins and he is to busy playing games or talking to other people to actually talk to me.

And, I think I am doing a good job, but it would be easier with Jason home... even tho now I have a fear of him coming home and disrupting the system we have. I would at least have that person to unwind with... to tell him that today was really hard.

As an Army wife, apparently we are not even allowed to complain about our bad days to our S/Os. They need to pay attention to what they are doing and our sob stories are just a distraction... so I tell him the happy things when he lets me, and I go to bed alone and think about all the rest alone...

I think I am just ready for Jason to come home, but at the same time. I know that will only make it worse when he leaves again... and Ill be doing this for the next 12 years...

National POW/MIA Recognition Day

One of the greatest fears of a military family is for their soldier to now come home.

Someone asked yesterday, would it be worse for you to get a knock saying that your husband was KIA or MIA? I said, KIA.

I told Jason about the conversation that had stemmed from this question, the stories, some with happy endings, but most without. Jason asked why I would rather him be dead, at least MIA he still had a chance to come home...

I thought about that a lot last night, and this morning, while I was B.S.ing my way thru my other blog post today. I just don't think that I could take the not knowing, and having my life stand still. I would be afraid to change anything about my life, if I did he would come home and think that I had forgotten him, I would be afraid to move, to travel, to have fun... and years later I would still be afraid to love. I would wonder where he was, what was being done to him... KIA I would know that he was not in pain, that he wasn't cold or hungry or sick... He reluctantly agree that what I was saying was true and that he wouldn't want me to be unhappy in life...

So, I am gonna post the same quote again, but in a whole new light.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."
~Winnie the Pooh

To all the families that are missing a loved one today... your in my thoughts, I am praying that your soldier will come home to you, I am praying that they are somewhere warm and safe today. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes... I pray for peace in your lives... in the life of soldier.

What it means to me

We Jason and I first started "dating" we were 2 very different people. Jason was the quite country boy and I was "goth." Jason was quite, didn't make waves... and was loud and rebelled against anything I could. Jason listened to country and I listened to Death Metal. Jason liked to stay close to home and I was always on the go. I had traveled all over with my family, Jason had never been out of VA. We had our own likes and dislikes, our own hobbies, and friends.
Then something changed, during our first fight we brought up everything we didn't like about each other... and I started to change. I stopped hanging out with the people that Jason didn't like, which wa all of my friends really, I stopped going out, listening to music other than country, I stopped being me.
I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom... Jason wanted me to get a job... I did. I started just hanging out at the house, and my only distraction was to read a book. Jason sat and played video games.

Last year, I found myself. While Jason and I were split up I went crazy, right back to high school... for about 6 months. I was never home, I was going to concerts, traveling, I rediscovered a love of music. I found friends that I had lost, made new ones. Then my cousin sat me down and told me I was being an idiot! I reached a balance, and I started to like who I was again.

I think that is what made Jason want to be with me again... somewhere in trying to make him happy, I had lost myself, and when I found that happy person again, I learned to be the person that Jason fell in love with in the first place. Why in our lives do we try to change people, when it is the original that we fell in love with?

When Jason left for BCT I was very worried, I had gone thru all these changes and they had worked for the best. But, Jason had never gone anywhere done anything on his own. I worried that when all was said and done he would change so much that he wouldn't want to be a part our this family anymore. This was his chance to find himself... We got lucky and while he was gone our love grew.

Jason did find himself. He made friends, had new experiences, lived a life that is all his own. He became the man that I always knew was there, that I could see when noone else could... the person that I clung to when everything was bad.

I learned that love doesn't mean being together, it means feeling each other even when you are apart. It doesn't mean needing someone, it means wanting them. Ive learned that I can stand on my own 2 feet, that I can handle life without Jason, but that I don't want to.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."
~Winnie the Pooh

Thank you Achli!

A year ago Jason and I split up for awhile. He hadn't worked in a year, and I was tired of working full-time, going to school, and taking care of hearth and home. I didn't need him, cause I was doing it all anyway, and I didn't want him, cause I was resentful of him. So, he eventually went somewhere else to find what we were lacking. Once we decided to call it quits I started dating... and boy that was a disaster!

I had lost all respect for Jason, everyone had, including himself. I felt like he had quit his job to stay home and play video games... and that was all I saw after that, even on the rare occasion that he did clean the house, or go somewhere with the kids... all I saw was him and that damn game.

While we were apart we found something that neither of us knew we hadnt had in a very long time... a friend. A friend who could say I hated you because you didn't see anything I did do, just the things that I didn't. A friend to say, you were there, but you were never actually here with us. A friend who could tell teh other one you are an idiot... and not have to worry about it coming back to bite you later that night, or week, or year. And, we started to enjoy each other again, and eventually to like each other... to give the other butterflies and feel them. And, to know without a doubt that somehow through out all of that we had never stopped loving each other.

Jason asked if we could go to talk to someone and see if we could save our marriage... if we still loved each other we could make it work. So we did, and we fought and accussed and fought somemore... but in the end we were able to talk it out.

By this time Jason had already talked to someone and was going to be sworn in... so staying married meant doing something that would really show Jason how much I loved him and that was to become an Army wife. But, the deal was BCT was make it or break it... we would stay together we would keep working on our marriage, but if he couldnt prove that he could finish what he started it would be over.

Oddly enough, just watching Jason do his initail swear-in... and for the first time be known as PVT Deane... made me feel so much pride. Another thing that was very unexpected... and everytime he told me he had done something new, learned something he never thought he would that pride would grow.

Thats how I made it through BCT, having never been apart longer than 4 days (even while we were seperated)... BCT was HARD! I did ok, most of the time, I reconnected with friends, and made some new ones, I took care of my kids, and I dyed my hair... whatever just to stay busy. And, when I saw Jason that first time on the PT field in OK... thats when I knew that this was what he needed all along.

I would never say that I would change a thing in my life, cause I wouldn't, but at that moment I wished that I had have let Jason go when he wanted to in high school... but then I wouldn't have my 4 beautiful babies... and we wouldn't be the people that we are now.

Seeing Jason walk across the stage and the pride on his face... it made all we have gone through worth it... and it made me realize that I actually Respected him again.

So I just have to give credit where it is due... Thank you Achli... wherever you are in bumfrick I-da-hoe! Without you we would still just be floating along in this state of pretend... thinking that if we could just keep putting up with each other it would all work out... Thank you for making us fight for what was important... and to find each other... and ourselves again. 

This was June of 2009, it was the last pic we took together til
 after we seperated and got back together. And you can tell
Were fakin it.

This was taken the weekend Jason and I decided

that we were gonna work things out!



And you are?

I figured you'd need a lil more background info on me and my life to fully understand the situation.

2001





I was 14 when I met Jason, we lived right down the road, but we didn't ride the same bus or hang out with the same people...  and you know how that is. Then I went to high school... and we did ride the bus together, tho I wouldnt have been caught dead talking to a Good Ol' Country Boy like Jason Deane. Over the year we did start to talk, only on the bus ofcourse, where no one I really knew would see, except for my really close friends, the ones Id known since K-1. Then the summer after 9th grade, there was no one else to hang out with, so we started to hang out... and one thing led to another...

2006

We had our first child on April 08. Dakotatoni Taqueesse Frazier-Deane (a name I picked out in Kindergarten). He's the definition of the oldest child... and his daddys mini-me! We moved out on our own for the first time... into a crappy little two bedroom trailer. We were both working at Kroger.

2007

Along comes Xavier Skye Frazier-Deane (Jason's turn to pick!) on March 29. He is my "fun" child... and my payback for everything I've ever done wrong in my whole life. He is also my "class clown." We also got married, 6 weeks after Xavier was born on May 19th. Tho, Jason didnt know we were getting married! I'll explain later I promise. I quit my job when my doctor put me on bedrest and Jason started working at Rent-a-center.

2008

Jaemisen Alexzander Frazier-Deane (I dont like Alexzander, and Jason doesnt like Jaemisen) arrives on March 21! He's my baby... my cuddle monkey... and now my holy terror! He's currently going thru a "phase" and potty training. And, that is an adventure all in itself. We also moved... into a 3 bedroom trailer across town.. in a worse neighborhood, but by this point I was at home and Jason was working at Foodion making no money and very little hours! I ended up getting a job at Foods of all Nations and Jason turned into Mr. Mom.









2009

We finally get a little girl! Madilyn Rhyanna Frazier-Deane (Madilyn from "North and South" and I dreamed her middle name) was born on April 16. After her I tied my tubes. At the very begining of my pregnancy I got a job working as an activities assistant in and Assisted Living Home.

2010

We actually split up for awhile... and then worked it out... and Jason decided that to save our family he would join the Army!

So now its 2011, Hes done with BCT (Basic Combat Training) and is currently in AIT (Advanced Individual Training), he been gone since June 7th. I can't post the when and whatnots because of OSPEC (which I will prob fuck up on atleat once cause Im learning).

So thats the last 11 yrs of my life in fast forward... and now its time to slow it down!