Fatal Attraction

Jason is home from AIT, we have 3 weeks to move to HAAF and I dont have a clue what I am doing, we have a cookout today for about 50 ppl and that is just stressin me out as well! But more than anything else is this...

I am a very sexual person. And, Jason always has been too... so what the hell happened?

First week home we should be all over each other, but the truth is its like he just doesnt want to. I have to force myself on him... and even then he finds a way to walk away... yes... we have had sex since he came home, but only once... and its not like hes coming home from war and just needs time to adjust.

So, now instead of being happy that he is home, I am resentful... and I dont know if its of him... or of me. And, its not like this is something that I can talk to him about.

Here I am trying my damndest to support him in something that I dont believe in at at... ugg... and leaving my friends and family to follow him to another state. Where I will be completely absorbed in this life 24/7 and I know that atleast until he is out I am going to loose myself... and with all of this... Im also not going to have a sex life?

I mean damn... did my fears come true and now that he got into shape Im not attractive to him anymore because Im not... maybe he jsut got so used to looking at girls of that body type? Its just sad that this should bother me so much, concidering that I know that we can make it without having sex at all, since weve done it this long, but I also believe that that physical side of things is also important to a marriage...

I jsut feel like maybe, even tho I love my hubby and I would never voice this outload, but what if I was wrong... maybe I just should have let Jason sit at home doing nothing for the rest of his life... atleast then I felt good about myself. I just dont know... this really blows.

Readjustment

I expected Jason to have a hard to adjuxting to being back home... but hes been here all weekend and it didnt take him long to fall back into his old ways... however;

his old ways are annoying the crap out of me!

In this short weekend Jason has managed not only to make  me feel like the most unattractive person in the world. But also like I dont know how to do my job as a parent.

"well I just dont understand how I left 5 months ago and now the kids think that they can do whatever, I mean look at my remote, the back is loose and there are teeth marks on it, and the games are all scratched up."
"Jason, theyre kids, shit like that happens."
"well not if you knew how to watch them."
"Well, maybe I was busy doing more important things with them that worrying about what they were doing with your Xbox!"

so you know what, at this point I am doing the best that I can managing 4 VERY active kids... and if that means that I let them play your game so that I can get my laundry and dishes done, or deal with Madis speach... then Im gonna do what I need to do.

Thanks baby for making me want to move away from my whole support system to be with you, when I dont feel like you see what I am sacrificing...

Everyone sees what Jason is doing as this HUGE thing... but it isn't like he is fighting in a war yet. Right now he is just going to school. And, yes that means being away from his kids and family, but not forever, and quite frankly that doesnt seem to bother him anymore... hes gotten used to it.

Bad thing is that I get to go and quietly cry to myself, as I contiue to do this everyday, because there is nothing that I can do about it. Marriage is for life and I love my husband so I will follow him like the bible says to, but in my heart I dont have like it.

I guess this is what it means to be in the silent ranks.